The power of paying it forward

When was the last time someone’s unexpected kindness made your day? From a parking meter rescue to life-changing community initiatives, Adrienne Matthews explores the ripple effect of how random acts of kindness and paying it forward can brighten lives, and even boost your own well-being in the process.

Some years ago, I was standing in Trafalgar Street beside a parking metre, hunting desperately in my bag for a coin. I didn’t need a big one, just 20 cents so that I could dash into a store to collect something without getting a fine from the parking warden nearby. As I was scrabbling unsuccessfully for a coin of any kind, a hand suddenly reached over my shoulder and placed a 50-cent piece in my palm. Looking up, I caught the amused glance of my benefactor as he loped off down the street. It was my previous bank manager. I have never forgotten the feeling of the kindness that overwhelmed me at his thoughtfulness. Not only had my problem been solved, but I had been graced with a larger amount than I needed.

That random act of kindness was a beacon for me, and throughout the years since, I have been the receiver of many more acts of kindness and done the same for others as I have been able. It can be hard to feel worthy of accepting such gifts, but wow – the buzz you get when you do something for someone else, and they aren’t expecting it, is just as amazing as when you receive one yourself.

Recently, another random act of kindness inspired me to write this article. I was about to pay for lunch at Connings café when the person serving at the counter handed me a $20 bill. “This was left by the last customer to pass it on to the next one,” she said.

In 1982, an American woman, Anne Herbert, wrote the words Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty on a placemat in a restaurant before turning that thought into a book of the same name, telling the story of multiple random acts of kindness. It caught on like wildfire in the 1990s and even generated an enormous wave of bumper stickers spreading her words and the sentiment that came with them.

Paying it Forward is another form of selfless giving that came to the fore when author Catherine Ryan Hide’s novel Pay it Forward was adapted into a movie in 2000. In it, a young boy with alcoholic parents has a teacher who encourages him to think up an idea that can change the world, and challenges him to make it happen. His idea of ‘paying it forward’ was based on a dream that compassion given to others would inspire them to pass it to someone else. This story had a profound effect on those who saw it, and the concept spread.

Random acts of kindness and paying it forward are magical ways of lifting the spirits of others and injecting some joy into our world.

It turns out that they are even more powerful than that because they come with beneficial side effects to the giver. The act of giving induces our brains pleasure and causes the rewards areas in our brains to light up as if you had been given the gift yourself. Endorphins, our natural pain killers, are produced as well as the ‘feel-good’ chemicals dopamine and serotonin. I can certainly vouch for that. When I had some spare flowers to give away a while back, I did a post on a local Facebook page asking for names of anyone who needed cheering up. Delivering those flowers on behalf of the people who responded gave me a feeling of overwhelming happiness, as it did the recipients.

Our communities are full of people who carry out such acts, and Melissa Woodhouse of Wakefield has taken the concept a whole lot further by setting up The Big Bake Up Charitable Trust and the Wakefield Community Pantry. Previously, while living in Riwaka, she had established a community group that provided assistance to people affected by Cyclone Gita in 2018. “We worked with families over there to provide support during a very stressful time,” she says.

With a partner who is a firefighter, she is conscious of the need for communities to be self-sufficient and resilient in times of disaster. The first thing Melissa did when she moved to Wakefield was set up a community Facebook page. “It was a way to connect the community,” she says.

When the West Coast flooded in 2021, she put the call out to locals asking if they wanted to do some baking. They subsequently made two trips to Westport to deliver home-baked goodies, with special notes handwritten on the lids showing that people cared for them. They did the same thing during the Nelson floods, going door to door and taking baking while checking in to see how people were coping.

Remarkably, the team of ‘bakers’ has now grown and has a team of over two hundred members who can be called upon when needed. “We have a team group on Facebook. I just pop up a post, and whoever is available lets me know. We need six people for a community cook-up, so the first six that contact me are in.”

A part of the group’s activities involves putting together care parcels. “These parcels are a gift of kindness,” explains Melissa. “We include a few cooked meals, some baking and a dessert.”

The Trust works with the likes of the Police, Age Concern, Plunket, Big Brothers Big Sisters, Family Start and the Cancer Society. They have meals in some schools and ECE centres and receive referrals through many agencies who nominate people that come under their radar that they feel a parcel would be beneficial for.

“So many people are going through difficulties and challenges. They may have had a bereavement or have sickness in the house. People can be nominated by others to receive some meals that will let them know people care and are thinking about them,” says Melissa.

A recipient of a care parcel was Melinda Wright and her family, when she and her husband were very ill with Covid. “We were so sick and struggling to cope feeding our family, and my friend nominated me for a care parcel,” she says. “It was such a relief not having to think about preparing food. We could just put it in the oven, and we had a meal. It’s the last thing you often think of until you need it and it’s wonderful to know there’s help like that there.”

“I’ve helped with a couple of bakes since,” she adds. “That was how I felt I could contribute something back. I took my daughter with me, and she did it too.” Melissa has recently established the Wakefield Community Pantry, where donated items which she’s unable to use immediately are available for people to help themselves.

“I figured that if we had a community pantry stand, we could put excess fruit, vegetables, or pantry items that are sealed up for people to use, so that someone
else will get the benefit of them. Most people give some koha in return, as many see the work we are undertaking within the community. Any funds wereceive go back into The Big Bake Up and assist with our care parcel costs.”

Meanwhile, social media is a place where people often share their stories of receiving random acts of kindness. Lily* was in a local supermarket and a lady approached her and asked how she was coping with the price of living. “I told her I have to budget carefully for myself and my children, and she said her daughter struggled too. She asked if I would be offended if she gave me some money toward my groceries. It felt a bit awkward because it had never happened to me before, but she handed me $100, which was amazing and a huge help.”

Georgia* was doing her grocery shopping too, but when she went to transfer the money to pay for her groceries at the checkout, the banking system was down, and she couldn’t do it. “I had over $200 worth of groceries in my trolley and one of the staff, who I didn’t know at all, said she would pay for it, and I didn’t need to pay it back. I was lost for words as I had school lunch things I needed and food for dinner. I was so, so grateful.”

Sarah’s* young daughter was diagnosed with cancer last year. “One of my work mates organised for me to have precious time off work to spend with her. As I was leaving, another worker gave me an envelope with a wee note and some money in it. I was amazed. I don’t like asking for help, but it was such a lovely thing to do.” Another young mum purchased a washing machine and dryer off a man for $400. When the machines arrived, she found $400 and a note saying that with a young baby, she could probably use the money.

The Java Hut in Māpua has a blackboard on its wall overflowing with the names of people who have had their next coffee paid for. The takeaway espresso bar’s owners, Tim and Beth O’Farrell, inherited the concept when they took over the popular Hut a few years ago.

“It’s a really popular gesture,” says Tim. “It’s a great way for the community to support each other and some people use it as a way to say thanks to others who have done something for them.”

Random acts of kindness can take many forms. At St Luke’s Health Centre, patients are invited to leave donations to pass onto people who struggle to pay for consultations themselves.

Nelson Acupuncturist Kelly Wells of Balance Health and Wellbeing pays it forward by way of running a community clinic every Friday morning at the Victory Community Centre. The motivation for doing this comes from her experience when she was studying.

“I barely had $2 to rub together, and I couldn't afford healthcare myself apart from the essential stuff,” she explains. “If I needed a massage because something was tight, or I had ongoing issues, I just didn't have the money to cover it. I realised that there were a lot of people out there in far worse straights financially than I was then, and they must find that really impossible because they'd be making a decision between their health and paying the bills, and that's a horrible place to be. After graduation I wanted to set something up that was accessible and affordable to everybody, so now we have this clinic where people can just pay what they can afford, even if it’s just $5.”

Kelly has been running the clinic for six years and has helped hundreds of people with a wide range of health issues. “I get plenty of people in with injuries that they need help to recover from, along with those leading up to surgery. Others need assistance with pain management while they're waiting for hip or knee replacements. Others come with long-term pain from the likes of arthritis, and I have others dealing with headaches and migraines, digestive problems, period problems, anxiety and depression, you name it. I’ve even had people trying to process grief.”

“The amazing thing is that I can be having a dreadful day, but then I turn up to the community clinic, and by the time I'm done, I'm feeling really good again.”

There is no limit to the type of random acts of kindness or pay it forward ideas people can undertake to show others they care. If you have spare time there is volunteering at a local charity or organisation, mentoring and coaching, or helping out as an advocate when someone is having problems they can’t deal with alone.

It can also be as simple as smiling at a stranger and asking how their day is going or complementing them on what they are wearing. No matter what we choose to do, these incidents of positivity and kindness, however small or simple, are like pebbles we can send off into the ocean of our world, making it a better, kinder, and happier place.

*Not their actual name.