Mum’s the word

In honour of Mother's Day, Britt Coker speaks with three Nelson women whose experiences of the most important job in the world, may be slightly different that most.

A bit like the Brady Bunch

Kyla and Shane Tinetti are parents of a blended family, raising five children together – Aliyah 18, Roman 16, Dantae 14, Finlay 6, and Leighton, 3 years old.

Kyla was a single mum to three-year-old Roman when she met Shane. He was dad to Aliyah and Dantae from a previous relationship (then 5 and 3 years old), so the children were in a close age range and Roman slotted comfortably into the middle child role. It was the five of them for five years.

“We've really tried to treat our children all the same and we do have the understanding of the dynamic [of a blended family]. And we really wanted to build that foundation with our kids from our previous relationships, just for them to feel like we were a family.”

But the couple also intended to expand the number of kids sitting around the breakfast table.

“There was no kind of particular time that I recall, but we knew we always wanted to have at least one together. So we had Finlay, and then we were unsure if we were going to have another one, and it just kind of happened with Leighton… We've definitely decided we’re not having anymore.” She laughs, “I think four boys is enough.”

It’s only a three-bedroom house so the boys all share a bedroom, though Craig is handy with a hammer, so the two older boys have loft set ups and Aliyah as the oldest, and only female, is heading into a sleepout. And while the couple endeavour to treat all the kids fairly, Kyla acknowledges their individual natures and ages do require different approaches. “Personality wise, them going through situations and dealing with them differently, some are quite a bit more outspoken or a bit more loud, so you know exactly kind of where they're at in their life.” Others, need gentle enquiry.

The spread of the ages from 3 to 18, Kyla acknowledges is way easier than all in a similar age bracket, but that’s still a long relationship with the school system. A never-ending supply of packed lunches, misplaced school jerseys, sports days and quiz night fundraisers. But Kyla was busy with work during the older kids’ early schooling, so second time around she’s looking forward to being more involved during the primary years.

“I'm actually quite excited, because when the kids started schooling, I was working full time [and Shane was working part time], so I didn't actually do a lot of the school drop offs. I definitely do enjoy it.”

Interestingly, both Kyla and Shane have themselves, been raised in blended families, with their respective parents’ both remarrying and having second families, resulting in what must be a very complicated family gathering for any guest that tries to connect the dots. Shane is one of four siblings (two are half-siblings) who are all seven years apart in age, and Kyla is one of three around her age, including one half-brother. Plus, when Roman was a newborn, Kyla and he initially lived with her dad who had remarried with four half-siblings for Kyla, who are actually closer in age to Roman. The dynamics of being brought up in blended families did give the couple a shared relatability of how their own children would or could have feelings through the experience.

The upside of such a large extended and blended family is they are fortunate to enjoy plenty of support and positive relationships as many of them live in Nelson.

With five kids in the house, the couple are conscious of getting one on one time with each of the children, though they have to be creative. Working the time into car trips to sports games and other extra-curricular commitments. Planning is the key. Luckily, Kyla seems to thrive on multi-tasking. As well as her many mum duties, she has been working part time, as well as now being in her last year doing a Bachelor in Business Marketing.

“I was 18 when I had Roman and I felt it became quite a large part of my identity, and really put my life on track being a mum. And I do love the busyness of it. I love having that purpose. But I also know that I'm not just a mum too. I really like to focus on things for myself as well, but I do love that I've got a big family, but I haven't had to go through five pregnancies but without having to add a toll on to it [my body] as well.” The couple did consider making it a family of six. “I was quite open to having another child after our youngest, but if I'm having more kids, it's harder to work and then you're also making sure that you want to provide. You’re having to buy a bigger car or bigger house. So it does add up.”

With the cost of living so high, Kyla thinks the teenagers may not be packing their bags in the next few years, which will mean they will remain a large family living together for some time yet. But as the older kids become more and more independent, two of them already working, the moments together are rarer than they are apart, so she enjoys the connections when they have them. There is still dinner prepared for seven every night, and plenty of ferrying to different events, but organised chaos is all part of living in a large, blended family and the only life the couple have known.

20/20 Vision

There will be many of us who reflect on our childrearing days and wonder if the benefit of maturity and hindsight would have made us better parents, should we have had the chance to do it all again. Maree Hoare, 54, got that opportunity with a 20-year age gap between her two sons. With her high school sweetheart, she welcomed Callum into the world when she was 20 years old. By the time he left home, she’d scarcely had a chance to redecorate his bedroom before she became a mum again, aged 40. Society, circumstance and Maree’s outlook on life had all shifted over those two decades. Her first pregnancy was a pleasant surprise in 1991. Like most of her friends her age, Maree was focused on expanding her horizons, finishing study, travelling the world and discovering how she fit into it. And then unexpectedly, those plans got kiboshed as she found herself in a new role.

“I had dreams and expectations that I would be off overseas for a few years doing my degree, potentially doing a master’s, and exploring the world as most of my family have done, and so Iife took a different turn. It gave me a different opportunity and although it felt challenging at the time, and it did for both of us – both of us were quite young – I’m glad that I leaned into that and engaged with that opportunity because it blossomed into something pretty special.”

She recalls the struggles at the time, financial and emotional. There she was, the centre of her own universe, and now she needed to move aside to pay homage to a new sun. But Maree and her partner, Brett, embraced parenting with the energy and enthusiasm levels befitting young adults and necessary for the long hours of on-the-job training. But there were also some things that a person can’t always anticipate, like the dissolution of friendships when your priorities diverge, and where do you fit into the society when that is all you have left.

“Looking back, it’s interesting. Until I had Wolfgang 20 years later in my 40s, I hadn't realised how lonely motherhood at 20 was. All the children at school, their parents were traditional families, they had their own networks, so it was really lonely to be doing it by myself. Only 20 years later and having an incredible network of women around me did I realise that I missed out on a lot of support… My friends were still out enjoying their 20s, and I absolutely appreciate that. That's the way it needed to be.” She adds, “If I could encourage anyone who has a young mum in their midst, or in their community, to support them and love them, because they're doing a really important job, and it's a lonely job as it is. If you really want to help a family, just be there and give them the respect and love that they deserve as a mum.” Despite the feelings of isolation she felt as a young mother with Callum, Maree adds that the reward was far greater than the challenge, otherwise she wouldn’t have wanted to become a mother again.

After several years at home with a pre-schooler, Maree got a job working as a flight attendant for Air New Zealand before eventually going back to university and subsequently enjoyed a successful career and travelling extensively.

When Callum was five years old, the couple split but continued to live on the same street and co-parent. Eventually, Maree met and married Dale and they decided a child would be a welcome addition, and that’s when Wolfgang entered the world. “That's something we decided to do together and we absolutely went into it with our eyes wide open. You don't forget the struggle and the hard mahi of being a parent to a baby and a young child, but what I hadn’t considered was what a gift it would be. I thought I was doing this to give my husband a family, when in fact, I was just as gifted with something so special.”

People who want to learn and grow tend to seek advice from the experts and self-reflect on the way they deal with difficult circumstances. Maree has a background in personal development and learning, so growth is a core value for her. When she became pregnant with Wolfgang, she sought parental feedback from the person most qualified to provide it, 19-year-old Callum.

“It's a bold question to ask, right, but I was really keen to understand. I had another shot at this, and I wanted to really make the most of the opportunity, and he was great. He had lots of positive feedback and a couple of pieces of constructive criticism but it’s such a gift to be able to have that resource. It's almost like, here’s one I made earlier, what would I do differently.”

Maree realises that one of the big differences between her as a 20-year-old mother and again at 40 was her relationship with the wider world. The first time around she was wanting to make her mark on it, a young working mum with lots of energy and enthusiasm but ‘chasing your tail a lot’. Eventually that way of living becomes less important for everyone at some stage in our lives, and for Maree, motherhood second time around was the catalyst for this reset.

“My lesson with Wolfgang in my 40s has been that time is so precious. I've got an absolute perfect rear vision mirror, it’s 20/20 for me. I know exactly how quickly this time goes with them. And so I hold on. Whereas with Callum, I think I really just wanted us to move forward in life. I had that young 20-year-old energy to make my mark and for Callum to grow up and be as independent as possible, as quickly as possible, so we could enjoy everything life had to offer. It's not like that with Wolfgang. I realise that being present is far more rewarding.”

Despite age and distance (Callum now lives in the North Island), the half-brothers have a great relationship. They didn’t have to compete for attention or resources, Maree acknowledges, and they don’t have the complex dynamism that can come with siblings being raised in the same house. They have fun and enjoy each other's company when they catch up without any rivalry. The family still go on holidays together when possible, as Maree is aware that with Wolfgang now aged 15, time is flying, before he flies too.

Facing any challenge when you don’t yet have the life experience to match it, will inevitably force you to learn. It often happens that you become a completely different person for going through the experience.

“Boy, did it teach me things that I would not have learned then, and maybe never. It taught me resilience and grit, perseverance, flexibility and drive, and all the stuff that has seen me have an amazing career and be able to take advantage of lots of opportunities that I wouldn't have if I hadn't had the experience of motherhood at that age. Yeah, it was a gift… Am I a better mother? I'm a different mother, but I wouldn't say that I’m a better mother, I think that I'm the right mother for Wolfgang, and I was the right mother for Callum, and I feel quite confident in that.”

Nanny Debbie

Seven years ago Debbie Nettleton became the legal guardian of her 18 month old granddaughter, Ivy, and together with her husband, has brought up the young girl. It had been a long time since Debbie had raised and waved off into the world her own children, not expecting to ever fill the parental role again. But life presents us with challenges and Debbie isn’t the kind of woman to walk away from one. She offered to take care of Ivy at a time the little girl needed her, and both parents accepted the offer.

“She came into our care because the parents weren't in a situation of being able to care for her. She needed an environment that was going to give consistency, a safe environment, a loving environment. That's not to say she wasn't loved. So, I've got guardianship of her for all purposes, and I'm a day to day carer, and I have been since 2018.”

Ivy being just a toddler when she came to live with her grandparents, it was very much a return to the early milestones of child rearing for Debbie, who gave up her job, routine and spare time, her life changing almost overnight. “It was a bit like being hit by a bus. You go from going to work, having sleep and stuff like that. Next minute, you’ve got a little child that's only 18 months old. They have wants and demands. Let's just say it's been a long road, but I'm a strong person.”

“I had to decide that, putting the time and energy into her, she needed me more than anything else. So we made the decision that I would not work, and my husband has supported us for quite some time now, which is super fantastic on that front. My time and energy goes into Ivy.

Debbie has helped ensure that Ivy has an ongoing relationship with her parents, acknowledging the importance of the parental bond. “I’m very proactive on a child having a relationship, and a consistent one, with both parents. She needs to have that. We've been through a pretty bumpy ride, but we've always had consistency for her in terms of having contact with her parents, and it has been to the point where she's a very well-adjusted child. She's one happy kid at school. She makes lots of friends, is very popular.”

Raising her granddaughter does mean that Debbie doesn’t always get to enjoy the archetypal role of a ‘fun nana’ and the mandatory indulgence that comes with that title - sugary snacks, lax disciplinary measures, and the random buying of toys and treats, just because. But while she has to have firm boundaries as a full time caregiver, the pair have a great relationship. One of ‘Nanny’ Debbie’s passions is riding her motorbike and in the weekends, eight-year-old Ivy loves jumping on the back of a bike and joining her grandparents on outings.

“There was a period of time where we couldn't do anything, but now we have weekends where we are free. So, yeah, the motorbikes. That is our will. Now Ivy hops on the back and comes too. So that's great. We've been waiting for years for that to happen. If we want to go anywhere, that's what we do.”

Debbie reflects back on the younger version of herself, bringing up children when she was more energetic. Running a household seemed much more manageable, in between school, work and sports commitments, the garden and house were immaculate, the juggling seemed effortless. Now she is bemused by how much mess one child can make. Older and wiser, she admits to still being structured but has let go of a lot of things too. She doesn’t dust everyday now.

Despite being older than most of the caregivers at Ivy’s school, Debbie says she is young at heart and has made good friends through school. Plus, there are a lot of other grandparents in New Zealand, raising their grandchildren. The Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Trust NZ has been operating for 25 years with nationwide support groups, including Nelson. In 2022, there were around 10,000 grandparents raising over 16,000 children nationwide.

Debbie acknowledges that there are people her age who are all but retired and off on adventures, but that’s not her life and she accepts that as part of her commitment to raising Ivy. They can still do things and as Ivy gets older, the options will increase. Besides, there are plenty of upsides to dedicating your midlife to someone other than yourself. Ivy will be keeping them young and viewing life through the lens of a young person. Being a grandparent can be a rewarding role full time, just as much as part time. “It's a privilege. A lot of people will say she's lucky to have us. Well, we're actually lucky to have her. That's how we look at it.”