Sponsored: Boundaries are beautiful

Why saying no is an act of self-respect

Sarah Moon is a lawyer and the heart behind Clean Break, a Nelson law firm for relationship property matters.

You know the moment. Someone asks for your time, energy, or a favour. Before you’ve even thought it through, out comes:
“Sure.”
“It’s fine.”
“I’ll do it.”
But it’s not fine. You didn’t want to. Saying yes means less sleep, less space, less time for you. And yet… you said yes.

It caught me off guard when a friend recently noted that I was good at setting boundaries. This hasn’t always been my strength. There’s a term, Eldest Daughter Syndrome, that once fit me perfectly. But like any habit, the more you practise, the easier it gets to choose yourself.

As a relationship property lawyer, I see what happens when people don’t listen to their own needs. Clients wait too long to get legal advice because they don’t want to make waves. They hesitate to claim what they’re legally entitled to… not because they don’t need it, but because they don’t want to upset anyone. The devastation on their long-term finances can be heartbreaking.

But it’s not weakness. It’s survival. Sometimes, people I help have spent years, decades, learning that speaking up leads to conflict or punishment. So, they stay quiet. They keep the peace. They prioritise other people’s comfort over their own needs.

There’s a wonderful book called Set Boundaries, Find Peace. It unpacks why these types of situations can feel so difficult. I found myself nodding along – it’s exactly what I see in my work:

1. Fear of disapproval
   We’re taught to be liked. But putting yourself first doesn’t make you unkind, it invites more respectful, honest relationships.
2. Guilt
   Doing what’s best for you can feel selfish, even when these feelings of guilt are completely misplaced.
3. Avoiding conflict
   Protecting others feelings can sometimes feel easier than asserting what you need for yourself.
4. Perfectionism
   Sometimes we say yes because we think we must be everything to everyone. But no one worth your energy expects perfection.
5. Power imbalances
   In abusive or controlling relationships, putting your own needs first can feel dangerous. If that’s your situation, I encourage you to seek help from someone this week.

Here’s the truth: saying yes when you want to say no doesn’t make you generous. It makes you (the real you) disappear.

I don’t say that with judgment. I’ve done it too. I’ve swallowed my no. I’ve abandoned things I loved and dreams I’ve had to keep the peace. It’s a tough pattern to break. But I am getting better at this. You can too.

Here’s the message I now offer to friends, clients, and anyone sitting across from me, bracing for a hard conversation:
You can put yourself first, while staying kind. You can say no. I promise: you will still be loveable. I would argue that you will become even more loveable to the right people.

So, if you’ve spent your life being the nice one, the dependable one, the peacekeeper, the person everyone leans on, maybe it’s time to ask:

What could your life become if you stopped playing small to keep others comfortable?